Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Accountability and Corrective Action

Corrective Action
I find myself to be a comical breed.  Not in the ‘funny, ha-ha sense’, but more in the ‘amusement for those more intellectual than myself’ kind of way.  I am incredibly self-absorbed, yet claim to be striving for altruism.  This rumination has been a defining feature throughout an extensive time span, and yet no change has seemed to have occurred.  To accompany this flaw, I fear the change that’s required to become the person I want to be.  I fear that who I am likely to become and who I strive to be do not coincide.  As a side note, I fear posting remarks such as this to the public because, well, this is very personal, and it doesn’t provide much help in keeping an adequate level of machismo on display.  I don’t think this quarter-life crisis of mine is depressing me, I think it’s simply a challenge I have not experienced before, and one that cannot be anticipated.  I have no clue what’s around the next bend; I can’t convince myself it’s possible to plan for the inevitable peaks and valleys of my attitude; I feel out of control.  I’m nearly certain that the lesson to learn is that I must realize control is not necessary, and striving for it will only make life more complex.  I fear a contrived reality that is merely a figment of my imagination and I fear a lack of control, which is likely the sole aspect that will allow me to feel most free and alive.

It seems as though I’m able to reasonably and realistically come to accurate conclusions on my shortcomings and faulty behaviors and thoughts, yet fail to take corrective action in order to better my own being.  I’ll figure this out, but damn do I feel I’ve had to dig deep in order to stay afloat.

My main form of “corrective action” has been vented through my favorite pastime, running.  It has afforded me numerous benefits: 1. Keeping me on schedule – sleeping early, rising early, ensuring time management is moderately efficient; 2. Keeping me healthy – I sleep, eat, drink, and behave sustainably; 3. Helping to make me feel productive – PRs are always mood-boosters; 4. Helping my esteem – it’s a great feeling to know you’re fit and are performing well no matter which facet of life you’re focused on; 5. Providing social atmospheres – I’ve met the greatest people through this sport, and it’s only begun; I’m certain there’s more, but that’s a good start.

Who actually knows if I can attain this quality; my past doesn’t exactly reflect success when it comes to following through with preconceived plans.  I eventual make things happen, like getting fit or writing a blog entry…it’s on the list, but that list isn’t exactly prioritized or rushed.  Excuses tend to define my daily doings…”I have to get a workout in”, “I have to make dinner”, “work went longer than expected”, “I needed the extra sleep”, etc.  I have written countless entries in an attempt to motivate myself to run a 2:29 marathon, apply to medical school, or simply follow a daily regimen of working out, eating healthy, studying, and socializing…  It comes down to being a matter of character rather than reputation - I hope I’m seen as being moderately successful, but my true actions are what count in the end.  To pair with this, the opinion that matters most (mine) of my own successes and failures, spirit and status, is unrealistic.  I have high expectations and so many outrageous goals it’s hard to comprehend; when I “fail” to reach these, I count it as a failure.  Rather than focusing on the baby steps I’ve taken to help become the person I want to be, I ruminate on the large steps I’ve failed to effectively make happen on a timeline that is only “real” because I wrote it on piece of paper at one point in time. 

I’m certain I’ve mentioned this before in some way or another, but I have very few ultimate goals in life; one being that I enjoy each year more than the previous, another being that I hold myself accountable for all that I do and all that I am…

My ultimate goal is to be real.  I want this because I like to be different despite my best efforts, and mostly because I think people in my culture and generation are to some extent afraid to be who they are.  I want this because a large majority fear the judgment they may encounter when expressing their true selves.  There is fear of releasing the secrets that keep their identity their own; a fear of losing both control and uniqueness…a fear of allowing others to know just as much or more about yourself than you do.  I’m not that narcissistic…I realize my opinion, my words, and my thoughts aren’t sought out by the average person, but maybe this notion I’m forcing upon myself right now - this need to be real despite the risk of exposing everything I am and everything I hope to be - can be a catalyst for others to behave similarly; peeling away their shell, and allowing themselves to feel a mental and emotional release simply by becoming what they are.  And not apologizing for any part of their true selves.

That seems to be a little too deep for an hour spent at four in the afternoon at Starbucks, but I believe I hit this message spot on – finally expressing my thoughts the way I initially intended.  Just so I don’t digress from that, I shut my mouth (/keyboard?) and let you reflect if need be.